It’s Possible But It Takes Some Work, Says Meeghan Bourne of Holus Health Counselling. 

It can happen.

It HAS happened.

And in this world, we’re all living with a whole extra set of stressors that can really put the pressure on a relationship.

If you’re not having your needs met in your relationship, better communication and working together with your partner is a much safer option to take than cheating, right? 

But if your relationship has been ruptured by infidelity, it can be saved. 

“It takes a lot of effort to overcome infidelity and both parties in the relationship must decide if they’re up for the challenge and commit to repairing the rupture,” says Meeghan Bourne, counsellor and psychotherapist at Holus Health Counselling in Bowral.

“And if they are? The relationship can be repaired. Here’s how.”

1 :: Understand why it happened

Yes, betrayal is an awful experience. Trust is a vital part of a relationship and when that’s gone, it can be hard to work your way back from there. 

One of the first steps in recovering from infidelity is to understand why it happened, whether we can save the relationship and if future infidelity can be avoided.

In my practice I refer to the Gottman Approach to help couples through the process of repairing the rupture. 

John Gottman says, “people often say cheating comes out of nowhere, but usually the cheater heads down a slow, undetected path before the physical cheating actually occurs.”

In my experience with couples dealing with betrayal acknowledge cheating is due to deficiencies in the relationship that lead one partner to feel devalued and lonely. 

Couples dismiss each other and turn away from each other’s emotions over time, they’re distracted by work, or phones or parenting or world events! 

Positive communication and listening falls away and toxic behaviours start.

Unhappy partners focus only on the negatives and a narrative begins where sometimes both partners begin to believe they’d be happier elsewhere – and the door for potential cheating is established.

2 :: Decide whether the relationship is worth repairing

You know what? Not all relationships should be saved…..

I’ve seen that happen in my practice and the couple will make the decision to go their separate ways and I will help them make this journey as peacefully as possible. 

If you feel that repair is possible, see an experienced and qualified relationship counsellor who has the skills and training to listen and offer practical insights to improve the situation for the couple. 

This is how I work with my clients…

3 :: Will it happen again?

Firstly I ascertain if the cheating partner is likely to cheat again.

1 :: The cheater must take responsibility for what happened
2 :: Must not have a casual dismissive perspective on cheating
3 :: Can they communicate openly and or do they remain secretive?
4 :: Refusal to empathise with the pain and discomfort caused by cheating.

I am careful to evaluate the signs if this partnership does in fact have the legs to repair the rupture.

4 :: Now it’s about rebuilding trust

I refer to The Gottman’s Trust Revival method.

There are 3 parts to this process. 

1. Atone
2. Attune
3. Attach

5 :: Atone

The cheater must take responsibility, be patient in dealing with their partners anger outburst and deal with the repercussions. 

Yes, we said it wasn’t going to be easy!

The cheater needs to rationalise why they cheated whenever the other partner lashes out at them. 

Everything must be out on the table and therapy is advised during this process on a weekly basis, or even twice a week in some cases.

I lead the difficult conversations about the affair to protect the betrayed partner and to keep the cheater honest. 

Eventually the verbal attacks from the betrayed partner will subside and the cheater will have to ride this out remembering they both decided on repairing the damage. It’s a process where raw emotions are tabled and discussed. 

It’s effective in the long term as it helps the couple turn towards each other again and communicate in a heartfelt manner.

6 :: Attune

This will build intimacy and will improve trust in the relationship.

By sharing your vulnerabilities, you provide your partner with insight into what makes you lonely and what your fears are. This will allow each person in the relationship to feel included and visible to one another again. 

This part of the process helps the couple attune to each other’s feelings and rebuild the confidence in the relationship. 

I enjoy working with couples during this phase as they find their way back to discovering all the things that brought them together in the first place. it a very powerful part of repair work.

It is very skills driven and yes, trust is rebuilt.

7 :: Attach 

This part deals with sex which is an essential subject to talk about after a physical affair. 

This can be difficult for the betrayed partner as it may trigger anger, resentment and fear of talking about physical intimacy. 

In my experience many couples during this phase are challenged by engaging in discussions around sex. 

I cannot emphasise enough that sexual intimacy that is pleasurable to both partners is a necessary component for the relationship to start again. 

So to move past this trauma I encourage my couples to engage in a steady diet of intimate conversations about sex. 

Here are some questions I work with in the Attach Phase:

1. What makes sex more romantic for you?
2. Do you believe you are a good kisser?
3. Give me details on how you want me to initiate sex?
4. What is a fantasy that may turn you on in bed?
5. What do you like to see me wear or not wear?

Couples do say that when they get comfortable asking these types of questions their desires, sexual pleasures and preferences lead to enjoyable sex again. 

Communicating about sex is an important skill to make progress towards couples overcoming betrayal.

Thanks Meeghan! Great advice.

So what would you say to a couple who are experiencing this or individuals who are on the brink of committing adultery?

“Reach out if you’re heading down the rabbit hole of poor communication, feeling unvalidated, unloved, confused and you’re thinking of [or already have] seeking those needs elsewhere,” says Meeghan. 

“To avoid an emotional or physical affair, take another good look at your relationship and see if it’s worth saving, revitalising and living happily ever after – it IS possible.”

Holus Health Counselling Bowral provides professional and discreet mental health and counselling services and individual, relationship and family counselling and psychotherapy.

There’s never any shame in reaching out. If you need help, get in touch with Meeghan. 

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