Local Relationships Counsellor and Psychotherapist, Meeghan Bourne, Shares Super Handy Relationship Advice With Us
Meeghan has been helping local couples and families navigate the relationship speed humps that life can throw at us, from her practice Holus Health Counselling in Bowral.
Now, it’s been quite a stressful couple of years, that’s for sure! And when life is stressful AND your relationship isn’t strong or supportive, it can really impact you mentally, physically and emotionally.
And it can negatively impact other parts of your life, too.
So, how can we achieve relationship harmony when there’s outside stressors like global pandemics (and the uncertainty that comes with that) to deal with?
“When working with couples, I refer to the Gottman Method,” Meeghan explains.
“The Gottman Method is an approach that aims to disarm conflicting verbal communications, increase intimacy, respect, affection, create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding, while removing barriers that create a sense of stagnancy in a relationship.”
Well, THAT sounds pretty good, right? So how do we do that?
Here’s some tips from Meeghan to help you build a strong, stable, happy and healthy relationship.
Follow The 5:1 Rule
It’s simple, really. The secret to a happier relationship is to make sure positive interactions outnumber negative ones.
Every relationship has its moments, let’s be real about this.
Conversations and disagreements can get heated. Communication barriers go up and couples will engage in stonewalling, criticizing, naming and shaming.
So for every negative interaction, you will need to engage in 5 positive ones.
If you lash out at your partner because the dishes aren’t done, for example, then you need to take the time to do 5 positive things to tip the scales back to the positive side.
Negative experiences lodge themselves in the brain far more than positive, so once we are aware of this, then we will start to be more positive with our interactions and the way we have our needs met.
Stay Curious
Ask deeper questions. Something a little more than “How was your day?” .
Take an interest in their interests, ask them questions about something you know they like to talk about.
And it goes the other way too. Share something with your partner you’ve never told them about.
While there will be necessary, logistical conversations balance all that out with deeper discussions. See conversations as an opportunity for connection “from your heart to your partners heart.”
Stay Connected
Write and place a love note where your partner can find it.
Or send a thoughtful SMS about how you enjoyed hanging out with them on the weekend or telling them what you love about them.
A small reminder that you’re thinking of your partner and that she or he is valued can go a long way. To boost your bond, make sure to include a heartfelt and personal detail in your note.
Stay Appreciative
Life is busy for us all. Sometimes it’s easy to forget to say thanks and show some appreciation for the small things.
How often do you say a simple “thank you” or acknowledgment of what your partner is doing to hold up his/her end of the relationship?
It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture – just let the other know they are valued and appreciated.
Saying thank you out loud goes along way.
Flexibility In Your Relationship
Successful relationships require a solid friendship. Working together to meet each other’s needs is a dance that creates a meaningful and lasting relationship.
Communication and compromise are a necessity. Always take your partner’s needs into account while expressing yours!
Here’s an example.
“Honey, I know you like keeping in touch and I need to have a self-care day. My job has been pretty full-on, and I just need to get in the car and head to the pool to do some laps, clear my head and unplug from everyone and everything. I’ll let you know when I’ll be back once I’ve cleared my head and had my swim. Sound good?”
The partner has considered the other’s need whilst expressing what they need to do.
Meeting Each Other’s Needs By Communicating More Effectively
Sometimes your needs will conflict, so communication is needed for a compromise to be reached.
Relationships thrive when needs are met… and falter when they are not. That’s a simple fact.
Here are some tips to help couples communicate more effectively.
Use positive indicators when communicating
- Productively describe a problem and find an agreement
- Use friendly humour to explore differences
- Use language such as ‘we’ instead of ‘me’.
Steer clear of negative indicators when discussing something
- Complaining
- Criticizing
- Defensiveness and saying ‘yes, but….’ (how many of us are guilty of doing that?)
Building a life together is about teamwork and intention. It’s not all going to be bunches of flowers and romance, that’s a given.
But if you keep communication strong and remember that for every negative interaction, there should be five positive ones, you’ll find it easier to get through the tough times and will absolutely enjoy the good times even more.
Thanks Meeghan!
If you’re considering relationship counselling, here’s an article we put together with Meeghan about what to expect at couples counselling – super useful!
Holus Health Counselling Bowral provides professional and discreet mental health and counselling services and individual, relationship and family counselling and psychotherapy. There’s never any shame in reaching out.If you need help, get in touch with Meeghan.
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